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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
|   | Subject: Tell Us A Joke
Posted May 17, 2001 by Clelba
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 342
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ugh! you make me  !  but it was funny!
^. .^
= ' =
 
 
A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her.
It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick - just send the wine back."
| | Subject: Posting Hidden
Posted May 18, 2001
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 344
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This Posting has been hidden during moderation because it broke the House Rules in some way. You can find out more about moderation on h2g2 here.
Damn! too late to read post 344. wonder what it said. Nothing like moderation to draw one's attention to something
| | Subject: Tell Us A Joke
Posted May 18, 2001 by Abi
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 346
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Oh TC it was just something offensive about the moderators! Nothing particularly interesting.
Have a great weekend everyone! 
My posting was moderated for a while, then released (just because it contained the word **** - can't take any risks!!). I have been waiting for 6 hours for the next joke, surely it can't be that bad?
Thanks for letting us know Abi - are you sure we're not missing a good joke?
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
"Oh TC it was just something offensive about the moderators! Nothing particularly interesting."
Ah ha,
So, Abi has found something offensive about the moderators.
Welcome to the club, Abi.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
| | Subject: Tell Us A Joke
Posted May 21, 2001 by Clelba
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 352
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i've heard that before. very very funny.
^. .^
= ' =
OK then, try this one...
A "not so bright" man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed.
| | Subject: Tell Us A Joke
Posted May 22, 2001 by Clelba
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 355
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where do you find all these jokes Zorpheus?
^. .^
= ' =
Oh, mostly from a miss spent youth.
See if this makes it past the moderators...
Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them. One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other said he could not tell.
Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Little Tommy was doing very badly at math. His parents had tried anything they could think of: threats, tutors, a private school, anything there was. However, poor Tommy was not able to improve his abilities.
Then, one day, in a last ditch effort, they decided to send him to the local Catholic school.
After his first day at school, little Tommy came home, went straight up to his room, pulled out his books and started studying like mad.
He studied so hard, when it was dinner time, he went down, had his dinner as quickly as possible, went straight back to his room and continued to study!
His parents could not believe it: every day from that day on, little Tommy spent every single minute in front of his books.
Then, one day, he came home, quietly put his report card on the table, and went up to his room. His mother couldn't believe her eyes: little Tommy had got an A!
Unable to control herself, she went up to his room, pulled him away from his books and asked:
"What was it?? Was it the discipline, was it the uniforms, was it the nuns WHAT WAS IT??!?"
Little Tommy replied quietly, "Well, on my first day at school, when I saw this guy nailed to that big plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
What is the exchange rate of Dollar, Pound and Polish Zloty?
A Pound of Zloty equals one Dollar.
Why has an elephant got four feet?
Cos' it would look stupid with 6 inches !
What do a German Shepherd and a short-sighted gynaecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
It's two minutes to 5 pm and the doctor closes his office when a man stumbles in, a knife sticking in his stomach. "Doc, doc! Help me!" - "Oh. No. Sorry, we're closing right now. I can't look after that." - "Aaargh! Doc! You gotta do *something*!" The Doc thinks for some seconds, grabs the knife and thrusts it into the poor guy's eye. "There's a an optometrist down the street. He's open till 6!"
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