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A man put an ad in the paper saying "Wife wanted". Next day, he got 100 replies. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
|   | Subject: proper fave joke
Posted Apr 14, 2003 by Fraeya
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| | Post: 42
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lol thats a good 1
| | Subject: jokes
Posted Apr 24, 2003 by DJR
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| | Post: 43
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dont get me started on jokes. we have about 100 saved on our pc - every time any1 in our family gets a gd one they save in to this folder. i'm sure i've posted some earlier... here's one i got today:
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
| | Subject: Juan and his Bags
Posted Apr 24, 2003 by DJR
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| | Post: 44
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this one is pretty gd too:
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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classic.
hope those two brightened up your day - you two seem so miserable with your revision - the simple way out is just dont do it. maybe for GCSEs you better, but fraeya, sats are pointless exams designed to stop yr9 being as bigger doddle and yr8.
Very true. I liked year 8, it was possibly the least depressing year ever. Year 9 was abominable. Don't worry, just a few more months- or in my case, 3 weeks.
Thanks, by the way. Those jokes were great. I've got one for you:
A duck walks into a bar (Ouch!) and says "Have you got any bread?"
The barman says "No".
Next day, the duck walks into the bar and says "Have you got any bread?"
The barman says "I've told you, the answer is no, now hop it!"
The duck doesn't, the reason being that unless you tie their feet together, they can't hop. But I wouldn't recommend that.
Anyway, the duck comes in the next day. The barman says, "If you ask me for bread today, I'm going to nail you to the wall by your feet!"
The duck says, "Have you got any nails?"
"No."
"Have you got any bread?"
Love it.
| | Subject: The Moral of the Story
Posted Apr 26, 2003 by DJR
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| | Post: 47
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classic duck joke there, i've added it to my collection!
here's one i got last week:
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The teacher gave her class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral.
The next day the kids returned with their stories.
Ashley said, "I live on a farm and we have a lot of hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market when my little brother dropped the basket and they all broke. So the moral of this story is, 'don’t put all your eggs in one basket!'"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for meat. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got five live chicks. The moral is, 'Don't count your chickens before they hatch!'"
"Very good, Sarah. Now Little Johnny, do you have a story?"
"My daddy told me this story about Aunt Karen. She was a fighter pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, then she landed in the middle of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke. Then she chased down and strangled the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
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bet you didn't see that one coming!!!
Hey, that's a great one!
| | Subject: The Moral of the Story
Posted Apr 27, 2003 by Fraeya
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| | Post: 49
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lmao  )
sorry i havnt been on 4 a while my brother (wow i managed to say that without anything in front of it ) has been on the computer non stop 4 the entire weekend
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Lol! Lovely!
| | Subject: The Moral of the Story
Posted Apr 28, 2003 by Fraeya
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 51
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ive got some more of those ones they are from my mums e-pals in america and my mums message with them was i know there seem religious but they r funny religious:
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou
shall not kill."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."
Lol!
Teacher: Now, what are you up to, John? Learning something, I hope?
Pupil: No, Sir, I'm listening to you.
Teacher: Why can't you answer anyof my questions?
Pupil: If I could, what would be the point of being here?
| | Subject: Instruction Labels
Posted Apr 30, 2003 by DJR
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 53
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Instruction Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it’s "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On bottle of Boots children's cough medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly BA.)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
| | Subject: Instruction Labels
Posted Apr 30, 2003 by DJR
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| | Post: 54
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i must say that is one of the funnier ones of my collection.
| | Subject: Instruction Labels
Posted Apr 30, 2003 by Fraeya
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| | Post: 55
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lmao
i think this could go on 4 some time. . .oh well its funny
these r from my hingfy books
hospitals told to cut costs by using blank
no idea who she is: no doctors
paul: back copies of privite eye as anasthetic
ian: anyone watch pauls programme on c4?. . .me neither
angus:now now girls
mps fall under blank
ian: secreary
paul: its 3 words it must be no. 37 bus
angus: no
paul: no. 78 bus? 64? 29?
angus: no put buses from your mind
paul: 4.15 from paddinton? 16.5?
What mind?
But that was so funny, Fraeya. I've got a list of paper and advert mistakes, somewhere. I'll have to root those out.
| | Subject: Instruction Labels
Posted May 1, 2003 by Fraeya
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| | Post: 57
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oh he has a mind. . .a slightly warped mind but a mind hilarious i wonder what he'l come up with tomorrow
The onewith William Hague was good, wasn't it?
My tummy ached from laughing so much.
| | Subject: Instruction Labels
Posted May 5, 2003 by Fraeya
This is a reply to this Posting.
| | Post: 59
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yeah it was
brave man lol
charlotte church this week hmmmmmmmmm
Yep. She's a bright girl, but I'm not sure how she's going to do. Maybe she'll surprise us.
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