Training cheese is not easy - even experts find some particular types of cheese difficult to tame. Trained cheeses can be loyal, friendly and funny. Indeed, some cheeses that have been "trained and tamed" have gone on to have successful careers as stand-up comedians. Most cheeses don't meet that kind of standard, and take jobs in the circus, or perform magic tricks at parties. Dedicated amateurs can train cheeses to great effect, so long as you follow the pointers below:

• Keep away from heat sources
• Keep the cheese in a cage¹
• Don't eat it

	What Cheeses Can I Train?

Selecting the right cheese to train is of vital importance. You shouldn't attempt a hard cheese as the first cheese you train, as these are tough, and this should only be attempted by a professional. This may sound like bad luck for cheeses like Parmesan, but that's just hard cheese. A much more suitable cheese would be Babybel. This type of cheese is softer, even to the extent of needing that cute plastic coat-like wrap. In addition, it is better not to attempt to train an "off-the-shelf" variety, and instead purchase an obscure variety bought from a specialist. Remember, the specialist can help you in choosing a good variety to train.

	The Training Process

The never fail 5 step process

1. Stand with your feet slightly apart, holding your cheese aloft.
2. Move your left foot off the ground until it is in line with your right ankle, then hop vertically off the ground.
3. Move your left foot forward, keeping it close to the floor.
4. Step forward with your right foot normally, while lowering your cheese.
5. Spin round 180° and repeat again from step 1.

Talking Cheese

Cheeses are not renowned for their talkativeness, but only because they have been taught never to talk to strangers. The best way to get your cheese talk to you, is to talk to your cheese in Shakespearean dialog with a thick Yorkshire accent. This is more-or-less the only way the cheese will understand you. Do not shout at your cheese, as even if you could shout Shakespeare in a Yorkshire accent, the cheese would not understand.

An Alternative

If both the methods above fail you, you may be forced to resort to less pleasant methods of making your cheese talk: cheese torture. One method is to get a table fork and to bang it sharply on the table next to your cheese and shout "Talk, Talk! Talk or I prod." Unless the cheese talks, the next step is to prod. Do not prod too hard, just enough to let the cheese know who is in charge.

	Improving your Cheese

After a while, your cheese should metamorphosise from a wine accompaniment to the crème de la crème. At this stage, consider giving your cheese a name. Most cheeses have names beginning with the letter C, eg: Chris, Charles or Christina. A good modification would be to enlarge your cheese's cage, install some bedding and a miniature pot plant.

	Breeding

You cannot get trained cheeses to breed. Any cheese that is brought into contact with another cheese will only start a committee telepathically to discuss the latest advances in the development of general science, art, technology, historical perception, politics and mouse traps.

	Wild Cheese

Wild cheeses are, of course, more difficult to train, but it can be even more satisfying training this type of cheese than your normal, everyday cheese. But please remember don't go and pick cheeses from the wild as this can cause untold damage to the local cheese ecosystem, and can put some cheese sellers out of business.

You can also get cheese by whispering very quietly into the Cheese Discoverer - Really Odd Mozzarella (CD-ROM) drive of your computer. If you are whispering quietly enough, a really odd mozzarella is spawned out of the drive. Please note that cheeky comedians create corrupted cheese-computer combinations, contributing ceased creative conditions. Careful cheese coordinators could carefully confiscate cherished Charlie Chaplin collections.

	What to do if your Cheese dies

How to tell if your cheese is dead

Hit the cheese. If it goes "squeak", it is inside a mouse, so is probably dead.

What to do now

If your cheese really is dead, make sure it is not inside a mouse. If it is, set the mouse free, then call the pest control people. Otherwise, you could attempt a cremation. Place on a tray and place in the oven for 40 mins, until golden brown.