|From the 5EXth conversation at Lil's|
Once Upon a Time there was Once upon a dark and stormy night... lightning illuminated a spectacular scene of grotesque topiary shrubs among the rocks on the plateau of extensive ornamental gardens of Dreadknickers. Inside the decrepit mansion The peculiar demension known as the salad crisper drawer in which resides Some over ripe tomatos and a green substance named An exploding joke device with the text 'handle with care' in big friendly letters all over it which turns out to be a lettice bomb shaped like a cucumber, but An exploding joke device of indeterminate gender, which is something to be taken seriously, especially when an orange is found embedded in the antique candlestick belonging to an orange is found embedded in the middle of a head of lettuce.
Tim, the bookmaker's runner boy
Tim, the bookmaker's runner boy Observing all this, the second cook looked over her shoulder and said, " Egads! What is... "Could you pass the...?" salt?" asked another cook. "Salt?!? On blue cheese toast points?! Are you crazy?!" Meanwhile, the night is gettign darker and stormier. "Toast points? I thought they were fried pork rinds." "Its just too dark and stormy to see, see?" Suddenly fried pork rinds." "Oh I don't think fried pork rinds are kosher, are they?" "Not Kosher!!?? But I've got some chicken soup to go with these crackers which my Mother baked accidently sat on. Just then, a bell tolled somewhere 'round the back of the house, but which just with hearing range of the faithful old retainer just withIN hearing range of the same faithful old retainer who stood watching the storm with his back to the fire of old Volkswagons manufactured in Mexico and shipped to Stockholm via Australia. Hearing the bell, he slowly turns and checks a notepad on which is written "Boo!" with a shocking pink gel pen that has a bunch of feathers sticking out of the top. He looked up and saw Igor ascending the stairs from the basement holding a bunch of flowers and a big handle covered in leather plucked from a neighbor's garden I noticed his hand was covered in a strange looking tattoo showing a dragon shopping at Wal-Mart. and a heart with "I Love Mom" executed inexpertly in pink ink. He trod " he said as he noticed storm clouds moving in rapidly from the west accompanied by a crack of thunder and a piercing scream from the direction of Tom and Becky's cave in which was hiding hundreds of feet down a shaft, in which dark dank waters lie Blind, albino cave fishies swam to and fro in the water Except when a tentacle would lash upward and snare one, then disappear back down into the depths.
A blue convertible
A blue convertible zooms by Bearing a Salonista with a wicked grin and Wanda Ng, Private Eye, hired to catch the cooks who are no more than an hour ahead of her but somewhat slowdown by and who have stolen the atelier bread maker more properly known by the name of Matina. She felt sorry for the blind fishies that kept getting lost in the itty bitty pool in the closet down the hall which is really an entry into the study of he-who-cannot-be-named whose clothes are always damp. He therefore has a particularly bad odor. Having been stolen, Matilda plots her escape But just then there is a knock on the door which is rather odd for a moving car. A nearby pub was selling vegetarian bangers and mash. So Matina decided to ignore the knocking unless it moved to the engine compartment. But Still wanting another drink with a basket of chips (fries) So she reached round and hit her orange button which had the odd effect of rendering the entire salon a pretty shade of lilac that brought back memories of that night in Miami which was a particularly dark and stormy one that brought back memories of that night in Miami. But what, you may wonder, was Matina doing in Miami? The answer might shock you. It turns out that Matina and Wanda Ng were were on different continents on opposite sides of the continental divide.
Thus they were no where
Thus they were no where near each other and yet there was talk of another dimension, songs about ham sandwiches, and good recipes for lutefisk and the best ways to miss hitting the ground when trying to fly. In fact, the lutefisk was so good that it was incorporated with the International Lutefisk Association (ILA) summoned they wrote a song about it In fact, the lutefisk was so good that which reached No 1 in both the UK and US which was what inevitably led to Matina's kidnapping by a mysterious Norwegian cult of cooks angry because they didn't have their own tv show. It seems there is a secret organisation of lutefisk chefs who were responsible for a rash of bacon being used inappropriately, which led to seasoned skillets but angry killer bees. So Matina decided to abandon her lutefisk singing career and turn to the international spy game, starting with a tricky case in Bora Bora involving a warehouse full of left shoes and right hand gloves with 3 fingers and 2 thumbs. Lightning forks across the dark sky in a pleasing shade of Mauvey russet and thunder echoes off the walls of the high-rise condos along the shores of Bora-Bora. At that moment international super spy Tatiana McSly enters the glove and shoe warehouse, brandishing a barbeque fork, 9 inch, 150 k floppy disk readable only on a barbeque fork, shouting "I need someplace to plug in my barbeque fork!" Suddenly Tim, the bookmaker's runner grabbed the barbecue fork and plunged it into Tatiana McSly's thigh which, surprisingly, turned out to be a prosthetic Thus bending it out of all possible utility thus revealing that the spy was really an unemployed phrenologist working for the Borg in a voluntary capacity as a therapist specializing in infinity capacity theories and Freudian wormhole complexes. The barbeque fork began to glow and gently vibrate, producing a lovely A#, since it was also a tuning fork.
Thunder crashed and rolled around overhead the tuning fork started playing the refrain from "Eleanor Rigby". Tim, the bookmaker's runner, brought out his kazoo and started to play a counterpoint of 'Innagoddadiveda' Yoko Ono appeared out of nowhere and began a tambourine solo. And everyone else vanished Which was hastily stopped, to everyone's relief, by Matina. Yoko gestured wildly infuriated by the while ululating a cry painful to the ears fo a baboon Yoko tried to sing the blues, but the ghost of Muddy Waters rose up in protest, along with the ghosts of Robert Johnson and Wolfgang Mozart. with a blood-curdling shriek, they descended upon the horde swashing their buckle and combing their hair they chased Yono to the center of the island away from erupting volcano then realized they were chasing her in the wrong direction , toward Stoke Poges. Just in time, Tim, the bookmakers runner, evacuated the population of Stoke Poges, leaving Tatiana McSly to stare blankly at the wall. Who'll win the staring contest? Place your bets here. Meanwhile the stormy night raged on. McSly was loosing the contest She tried not to show it, because if the wall knew it was winning, it would dance the Funky Chicken and scribble on her leg with her lavendar gel pen. Off in the distance the shrieks of Yoko Ono could be heard, much like the wild calls of her lavendar gel pen (sounding like) a flock of loons in heat which was a funny noise for the Canadian Dollar coin to make. Meanwhile, Wanda Ng was closing in on the cooks with a vacuum cleaner in hand The vacuum belonged to Matina and was highly efficient in sucking up dust and small items powered by some mysterious blue powder that was so rare it could only be found in but it couldn't clean up the mess left by the salonista's inability to control quarks through out the universe but it was perfect for following the trail of crumbs dropped carelessly by esrevinu eht tuohguorht skrauq the White Rabbit brandishing fangs of white chocolate The ice cream lady walks down the ramp and starts flinging melted fudge ripple at which drew lawyers for Messieurs Ben and Jerry into the fray handing inflated invoices all around which resulted in a lot of wasted ice cream. Then the popcorn vendor arrived, and set up his stand, happilly ignoring was struck by lightning.
The storm grew nearer
The storm grew nearer large raindrops began to fall Followed by hailstones the size of golf balls and inexperienced golfers who ran around in circles shouting "fore" At which point the lights went off around the world wearing argyll sweaters and plus fours A shriek was heard in the darkness. Was that Yoko or McSly? 'Was that a hole in one?' Tim, the bookmaker's runner, replied, "Was that a hole in one?" The White Rabbit followed the ball down the hole and found a rather large bulbous pea green fuzzy pulsating "Wait,"said Yoko, "is this some sort of glowing pterodactyl!!!! Or, is it a mirage?" I don't think so," murmured McSly, as the pterodactyl sank its claws into A freshly baked squid, named Hubert raw for some unknown reason whereas the inexplicable secrets of the universe derive from '42' which was the number of moles in a kilometer the number of moles was determined by how many yummy things were growing in the garden they particularly liked carrots and slightly overcooked beetroot, but they absolutely hate rutabagas which is somewhat like a turnip, except smaller and known in England as a Swede which Swedes find rather strange but as everyone knows Swedes are most enigmatic when it comes to the exact reason fish soaked in lye is considered to be a delicacy rather than toxic waste. A peal of thunder shook the adjoining Pro Golfwear shops where Our Tone was trying on Pringle sweaters and matching socks "Pringles? I thought those were potato chips," exclaimed Tatiana, boldly opening the changing room door. Her face registered astonishment when she saw that most of the clientele were in fact not human at all, but rather giant squishy blanc mange pretending to be Scotsmen wearing tam o' shanters and gloves. At a closer look those gloves ring a bell in the mind of Tatiana, who has given up ogling Tim."They'd be perfect for Igor", she thought, "He's all thumbs anyway" And then she thought, "But would he prefer with 8-button Sunday glove or the 20-button opera glove?" Umm not to mention the Spats But what really took the cake was there was no chocolate, poor Matina.
Just about then
Just about then, all of the threads of our story come together as like a bowl of spaghetti, tangled and knotted but with a very lovely red wine marinara sauce which, unfortunately, left a stain on the red velvet settee, which the red velvet settee, which didn't help, as the settee was covered in stains from last night's domino tournamen tneedless to say, dem bones littered de floor and dey were makin shapes and patterns like sumpin' outta the old book of Havamal which was a leather bound volume on the table in the library McSly approached the book and opened it to page 42 Suddenly, the door to the library burst open and an army of zombies burst in! Hypatia looked up from her desk and motioned for them all to be quiet Before throwing a large hardback book at them entitled Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep entitled "Zombie Infestation: It's Causes and Remedies" at about 1,300 pages, chock full of handyentitled.... Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. Yes, that was the title." Zombie Infestation: It's Causes and Remedies" at about 1,300 pages, chock full of handy spells, incantations and other useful hints for dealing with controlling fFordean Rifts with a nail file and a bottle of Jack Daniels and an assortment of chocolate creams. The zombies, for their part, loved getting manicures and pedicures as well as a Mohican hairdo and a tattoo in the chape of a belligerent sheep, wielding garden shears, and knitting needles, and a ciphertext that when held up to a mirror revealed who "Deep Throat" really was but not whjat happned to Jimmy Hoffa or the go-go dancer (so a Teamster claimed) Hoffa ran away to Brazil with or who's in Grant's tomb. The zombies, meanwhile, began to mill about uncertainly at the side of the River Styx Waiting for a No11 bus while whistling "Bolero", a melody that Wanda Ng, Private Eye to Pitcairn Island.
But back in the library
But back in the library, the OTHER zombies decided to set up a game of croquet but Hypatia confiscated their balls of chocolateand set out the cups and saucers for a tea party. Tim, the bookmakers runner burst in, exclaiming "They found gold in Uzbekistan! The rush is on!" The Salonistas packed their bags and pickaxes for a fortnight's holiday at Fort Knox. And having packed them so many times, unpacked them, sat down and had a nice cup of Tea. The zombies wayched the salonistas rush off and let them kindly know that Fort Knox is in northeastern Uzbekistan. Uzbekistan was on teh no88 bus route and not the No11 The no 11, as Lil will remeber is the outer circle bus route via Kings Norton, Selly Oak,and Weoley Castle And so Lil, being the perfect hostess, where the Weoley Mammoths rule over the zombies, granting
visas and other such nesscary paperwork and everywhere else, as perfect hostesses are wont to be In her role as the perfect hostess, Lil served tea and crumpets to the zombies, the Weoley Mammoths, Tim, Wanda Ng, Tabitha McSly, Matina and the cook mentioned waaaaaaay back at the beginning of the story. These cooks were now eyeing the Weoley Mammoths, thinking whether Weoley Burgers would go with a nice potateo salard with Maynonasie, thus proving the existance of time travel powered by burger buns seasoned with but not the theory of natural Andean freeze dryinga slurry of zinc oxide and thyme mixed with a generous helping of capers. The zombies jumped up and down on the tea things, causing surprisingly little damage since the tea things were constructed of steel-reinforced concrete. The zombies
tried to eat the teacups but couldn't due to an advanced case of leprosy, and missing jawbones. The jawbones had been stolen by the apes from the beginning of 2001.
The ever worsening storm
Matina listened to the ever worsening storm, fearing teh Salonistas had forgotten her or had stopped for yet more croquet wickets. Matina, who had decided to hide out in the kitchen for the duration, decided she would consult her handbook entitled "So you want to distract attention from Zombies." Page 56 was dogeared and many passages underlined, such as"do not attempt to feed a zombie the brain of a mad cow. The results, while of some benefit to the cow, are detrimental to the cutlery." Hearing another loud crash of thunder, Matina grabbed a large butcher knife and headed for the back of the salon, wherethe zombies could now be heard jumping up and down in the atrium doing a tango. the zombies invited some ghouls, some werewolves and some vampires and the tango party turned into a rave. Tatiana, picking up a glow stick from the atrium floor, decided to throw it at Igor the rotating disco ball, causing it to spin uncontrolably the mirrored spinning was enough to make the unaus wake up and climb down from their trees, whereupon they were performing the routine for Night Fever. The Salonistas then met and decided that sometimes, the best method of making lutefisk and singing sea shanties in Gaelic A few of the salonistas, not up on their Gaelic, decided to have a hoe-down instead. Others decided to have a hoe-up Knees up, Mother Brown; knees up, Mother Brown; Knees, knees up; don't stir the breeze up! Knees up, Mother Brown!
Meanwhile, lightning flashes
Meanwhile, lightning flashes as McSly and Wanda Ng inadvertently converge on the same place - Dreadknickers! now, Dreadknickers is Droopy and slightly stained with the leftovers from the lutefisk fest that only dry cleaning can remove and, to tell the truth, a bit stinky from the faithful retainer's gaseous emmisions. Meanwhile the zombies, having spotted the unaus screamed with terror, turned, and ran back to the library, where Hypatia was waiting, holding a large sign saying "QUIET!!!!!" Unfortunately the Zombies had not attended school and were immediately dumb founded by the English language, as everyone knows zombies speak through a complex system of weights and pulleys attached to a hook on a rafter that needs oiled and makes a dreadful squeal. QUIET!!!
Meanwhile back in the Magick Forrest
Meanwhile back in the Magick Forrest Tim, the bookmaker's runner was shivering in the dark and stormy night. And for some strange reason, Matina decided to Make Mboug Mbug mb.... Greek pastry things (He means mbougatses.) which are delicious no matter how you spell them Heading for the kitchen, Matina ignored the zombies and put the kettle on to boil and wondered when the madness would end. A loud crack of thunder showed that the strom wasn't over yet but it seemed to be badly mispelt! And instead of greek pastries, the salonistas were presented with geek pasties, because all the Rs mysteriously disappeared. Eleven headed off into the drift to see if he could ind the 'Rs' and the Fs Thus, Scooby Doo was removed from the equation. The words "If it wasn't for them damn kids we'd have got away with it" is heard echoing around the atelier All but one salonista looked puzzled by these words. The other salonista was teaching the zombies the basics of etiquette.The zombies were doing very well at napkinn folding and place settings as well as learning the Virginia Reel. But they weren't in Virginia, they were in Kalamazoo gtrying to check into the Motel 8 because they had inadvertently fallen into the rift in the linen closet while practising napkin folding for which the Salonistas were somewhat relieved.
Meanwhile the unaus
Meanwhile the unaus, who had been watching the zombies with fascination and who hadn't eaten anything but spinach salad for a fortnigh twith pieces of avocado The salonistas, throughly confused, began glancing anxiously at the led count, wondering if it contained a secret message like the ultimate brownie recipe but unfortunately it was written by one of the sentiant great apes on Mt. Sandeverest on a banana leaf Using dissappearing ink in Swahili with commentary in ancient Babylonian and otherr special features to be included on teh DVD and if you call within the next 24 hours, we will also include this handy potato peeler! Or, if you prefer, this lovely chaise lounge made of genuine naughahyde and faux leopard skin glancing anxiously at the led count, wondering what in the world was happening Matina began pacing the floor which was a good trick since she was wearing Zeppo's suspensor belt so, really, by pacing the narrator only means to say that her legs were only touching the ground when she bounced.
Speaking of bouncing
Speaking of bouncing one of the zombies and Tim decided to start a midnight basketball league. The zombies particularly liked the idea of dribbling. But they had to stop too often to replace their bibs the ball, which was round and brown and slightly oblong with laces and tastefull stitching of. Suddenly with laces made of cherry whips Wanda Ng drove the Zombies back to from whence they came their home, as she was the designated driver and they had had too much to drink at who obviously shouldn't have been the designated driver! because she didn't have a driver's license
Back in the library
Back in the library, Chloe began hoovering up the broken lightbulbs, left over from a long forgotten party. The unaus, tired but happy feel asleep on the sofa Unaware that a large plate of marshmallows had been left balanced in the Zeppo Suspensor belt by Matina. Just then the doorbell rang out of reach...or so everyone thought. And so the gardenerbot, who was halfway up the stairs to collect the calling cards for mulch, turned and And...and...and... [Thumps the cd player] Then then... then... [*Thump*] [removes the CD, wipes it with a soft cloth and blows off a stray cat hair, and puts it back in] the sound of fiddles fills the room....Virginia Reel, anyone? luring back the Zombies, so the Zombie Debutante Ball could finally start Had not the zombies previously decamped to the Motel 8 via the linen closet rift. They had, but the management kicked them out ofr so they went to the mall And found it curiously empty for the time of day but then they realized that it was probably due to The blizzard raging outside which caused the Zombies to use their free tickets to Havana bur their plane was hijacked to Siberia by Matina who is really Comrade Matina visting through a timewarp And stowed away in the luggage rack is Tatiana McSly with Yoko Ono hiding in the baggage compartment in a large dog kennel and Wanda Ng posing as a stewardess the screeners at the airport didn't want to let Yoko on the plane because of National Security, but Tim, the bookmakers runner, slipped them a Who was smoking a Gauloises and wearing a black beret
Suddenly, a loud wailing
Suddenly, a loud wailing is heard from one of the animal cages in the luggage compartment. Tabitha McSly had tried to feed Yoko a biscuit, but was having trouble Since Yoko insisted on singing for her supper. Ms MacSly opened her SpiesRUs kit and inserted the earplugs provided. The captain opened the PA system and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, there is no cause for alarm." then she slapped Yoko and told her to put on her parachute Wanda Ng burst in to help putting on the parachute, but decided to toss Yoko out the cargo door without it. Wanda then realized that the zombies had given her a drug which made her use wrong verb tenses all the time. Tabitha offered her, out of the Spies R' Us kit an antidote Yoko shrieked...SHRIEK....as she plumeted toward the frozen tundra while Wanda received high fives all around.
Lightning crashed and the storm raged on the tundra as the faithful retainer settled in his chair before the fire and reflected on this tale and wondered what happened to the cook called Thomas who always had that interest in travel to what polite society called "exotic locations." The cook had made an abrupt about-turn after realizing he had forgotten to get the bets to the bookmakerinorder to put a 'pony' on the odds on favourite. After this mistake, the cook had wisely decided to go to a Dutch chef college and learn how to make proper mayonaiseand bitte ballen except that he couldn't speak Dutch without twitching uncontrollably in the presence of bulb catalogs. Reviewing his options, he decided To try and search for his second cousin who lived somewhere near PrestonAnd worked as a pupeteerA job he was exceptionally ill suited toAs he had extraordinarily large ... in spite of his wooden arm. He managed to work the puppets in an amateurish wayand often allowed Judy to punch Punch. The zombies loved puppet shows and begged Wanda Ng to take them to one at Buckingham Palace but they wre more likely to see one at 10 Downing Street Where muppets abound singing multipart harmonies to the song "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK" and allowing Animal to play the xylophone This day too, will end but he only knew "house of the rising sun"in B flat major with a few twiddly bits in not quite the right places
At any rate
At any rate, the police evicted the zombies And took them down to the station Where they hired the famous attorney Johnnie Cochran! Mr. Cochran was brought in to handle the 2-thumbed glove issue, hoping to prove that this jury would be as stupid as the OJ jury In desperation, the prosecution decided to hire Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, best know for their innovative system of billing. The zombies were arraigned and bail was set at 60,000.21 Moxons and a pair of flame patterened, steel heeled leather boots which proved a little difficult as the only pair in the countrywas size 19 triple E and they had been hidden under the altar of the Church of the One True Brownie, whose Archbishop happened to have amazingly large feet and a super recipe for Tundran Reindeer Kabobs the favourite meal of the third elf from the left although he is somewhat reindeer intolerant, which leads to an interesting combination of symptoms, namely generalized rash, a purple discolration of the left cornea and a craving dor bread and butter pickles Fortunately, there was a medical student in the salon. Even more fortunately the medical student was an expert in pickle sandwiches.
Another flash of lightening
Another flash of lightning heralded a herald who's name was, surprisingly enough, Harold. He wsa registered with the College of Heralds (which really does exist) And had an arrow in his eye. Fortunately it wasn't a real arrow but a fancy contact lens The sound of thunder was lessening at last But the rain was still falling like a frightened whale. As the storm eased and day began to break out into spots Let's see what the bride and groom gott hey were told to take shots for that. Matina released she would have to make her oen escape from the kidnappers she reached behind and retrieved her Swiss army knife, with thousand and one gadgets, like embroidery scissors, and a small hydraulic jackhammer, and 1/2 inch star bit she reached behind and retrieved her iguana named Phil who was a great fan of Jamiroquai So, with the storm breaking, the zombies in jail, the kidnapper cooks in confusion and Matina comtemplating her implements the salonistas decided it was safe to return to the atelier, Wnda Ng eloped with Tim, the bookmaker's runner,Matina escaped to the kitchen to start a fresh batch of cinnamon buns, and as for Yoko, well and, strangely, Tatiana McSly died from a scorching case of herpes. The cook eloped with the faithful retainer, and the whole take ended happily ever after. Or did it? and everyone lived happily ever after, or not, as the case may be.