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Posted Mar 12, 2012 by GregPius
Entry: The Stone - A87747259
Author: GregPius - U13648184
This is perhaps a bit derivative but it is just the start of a series of stories about "The Investigator".
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Posted Mar 18, 2012 by minorvogonpoet
Sorry, I nearly overlooked this.
The story does seem to have parallels with the actions of certain powers nearer home.
It has lots of potential for conflict: between the investigator and the government of the far-flung planet, between that government and their people, between the investigator and his colleagues back at Galaxy Central. Personally, I wouldn't overdo the massacres and the torture - readers would get sick of gratuitous nastiness.
I'm not sure the stone itself contributes a lot, after the first few sentences. And the end, as it stands, is a bit weak. Something needs to have changed by the end of the story. And we need a reason for the investigator losing interest in the woman. But you've said that this is the start of a series.
Have you looked at the H2g2 Science Fiction Workshop? A87717720
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Posted Mar 18, 2012 by  Dmitri Gheorgheni
I'm afraid you lost me with 'At the dawn of time, on a planet far away from our galaxy, intelligent life evolved.'
My brain is tired, and I felt not up to the task of following at story that starts with Genesis.
Now, I could read it if you started in the middle. Say, with whoever was doing whatever. And THEN, if in the course of the story, they tried to solve a puzzle, and part of that puzzle involved finding out how life evolved on the planet, well...I'd be right there, see? 
In other words, your story may just be too evolved for its readership. Or I may just be too mentally lazy.
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Posted Mar 22, 2012 by GregPius
Thanks for the feedback. I went to the site you suggested.
That was a helpful tip.
The Stone is meant as a "boot" into the series on The Investigator.
I can either, delete that section, or, expand on the role of the Stone.
I thought it explained the harshness of this galaxy's justice system.
Another problem I had was explaining why any planet would submit to
central control from some distant bureaucracy. Trying to avoid the old tried and tired Empire military occupation solution, I came up with this historical context.Some political/power system that would work over a galaxy, would be preferable. But I will work on it again. Thanks again.
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Posted Mar 22, 2012 by Dmitri Gheorgheni
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Posted Mar 22, 2012 by GregPius
Yeah it is a bit of a reach back into the distant past.
And derivative enough to be intellectually lazy. I found
a real life anthropological philosophy that may explain the
phantasms of the political terror used in the story. My biggest
problem is how to manage the ethological and anthropological
declaratives inherent in this approach. When I try to use description
method to encrypt zoo-political relations of power and force, my story becomes trite.
The animistic behavior,of The Investigator, predicates
and circumscribes the time and space of the subjugation
of the rogue planet.
On the other hand, I could just rewrite is as a thinly veiled
criticism of society using that famous line
"The law is an ass!"
By dropping the opening bit about "the Stone", I can make it light and
dumb it right down to the LCD. This is probably the most commercial way to begin this series on "The Investigator".
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Posted Mar 22, 2012 by minorvogonpoet
I'm not sure the writer needs to 'use description method to encrypt zoo-political relations of power and force'.
You might have a philosophical or economic theory which underlies your story. But down forget the first rule of story telling: 'Don't tell, show'. You need to work out your plot at scene level, showing the forces of Galaxy Central setting fire to villages, and local politicians going along with these actions because they stand to lose their power, their money or their lives.
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Posted Mar 22, 2012 by Dmitri Gheorgheni
Yeah. What MVP said. 
Show, don't tell.
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Posted Mar 25, 2012 by GregPius
I am a storyteller but not a playwrite.
Scene development is beyond my skill level.
If anyone wants to take the story and develop it into a play, thats fine by me. In fact, I encourage such a collaborative approach.
I get story ideas that play out in my head. But it is
like I am watching a movie. I do not see it in
sequential bits but in a whole story.
To put in any of the detail I need to pause it in my brain.
As soon as I do that the rest of the story faeds away.
The stories I have got involving the Investigator, are all complete stories in and of themselves. Yet the main character
remains the same. Back at Galaxy Central, the power figures
do not change, but they are always background characters.
I understand your frustration at my lack of detail but
these are like daydreams to me. I concentrate on the
main character and the story because that is what i notice.
Please feel free to use these story ideas, fast stories or dream sequences any way you like. I do not
own them as such. They just play out in my head.
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