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A1117784 Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt
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(Jun 11, 2003)
A1062514 Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt
(May 28, 2003)
A1055035 Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt
(May 20, 2003)
A1050481 Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt
(May 14, 2003)
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|Dr. Deckchair Funderlik|
**Transcript Starts**Dr. Funderlik was born in 1923 on the shores of lake Como in what is today known as "Italy". Modern detractors claim that his place of birth was one of the things that caused Dr. Funderlik to become, in their words: " A vandal, a sexual deviant and a wholesale liar who deserves to be buried inside a fridge, in a very deep hole." However, these critics ignore the fact that, in 1923, giving birth on the shore of a lake was all the fashion. And, further, as Dr. Funderlik's mother testifies: " You have to remember that women were so much more innocent in those days. I wasn't even sure that I was having a baby. I had kind of hoped that it was a balloon."
When he was aged 5, Dr. Funderlik's family moved to Antwerp, in what is today known as "Belgium". The move was an event that he would always look back on as something that changed his life forever. This was most particularly as his family didn't actually tell him they were moving. He was found wandering around the town square eating an ice cream by his Uncle Beaver, a local merchant. Under the auspices of Uncle Beaver, Funderlik was sent to work in a coal mine near Bruges. Here, his keen sense of humor, willingness to help others and positive outlook quickly led him to become hated by everybody. At the age of eleven, he was sacked from the mine. With funds from Uncle Beaver, Funderlik took a tramp steamer to China. Progress was slow, though the steamed tramps were popular and sold well.
It was in China that Funderlik began to write what was to become his magnum opus: " The Grand Unified Theory of Everything ", with its famous opening line, now known to millions of school children all over the world: " There is some stuff, see, and then there is more stuff mixed in, so that makes a lump, and then, you see, there isn't just one lump, there's loads - like millions - and all these lumps add up and when you add them up, you get everything." Albert Einstein, on reading the theory, reportedly said " So, that's where all the stuff went". The book made Funderlik's name. He was photographed by the Great Lizard Popsty and painted blue by Picasso.
On the outbreak of war, Funderlik wrote to the British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and said : " It wasn't my fault. I was in the park, feeding pigeons. " Churchill - ever polite - wrote back to Funderlik and said that he perfectly understood that the war wasn't Funderlik's fault. He invited Funderlik to help the war effort by becoming Churchill's dogsbody. So Funderlik spent the war in the now famous bunker in London, only nipping out every now and then to buy Churchill a milkshake.
When the war ended, Funderlik decided to marry his childhood sweetheart, Mina Gubnugget, who had been employed by the war ministry because here nose was sensitive to enemy radar. They married in the small but picturesque village of "Nasty under Arm" near the town of "Dollop" in what is today known as "Dorset". Many people came to the occasion, including the young popster, Cliff Richard, though he wasn't invited.
After the wedding, Funderlik wrote the book which made him even more famous then the first one. It was really small, and was called " The little book of things ". Each page featured one thing. On one page there was a tractor, for instance. On another, a snooker ball. The book became the big craze of the summer of 1958. Everyone wanted to read it and point out to each other which thing was on what page. In 1959, " The little book of even more things " was released, and it too became a national best seller. The young popster, Cliff Richard, wrote the forward, though no one asked him, and no one really wanted him too anyway.
In 1975 Dr. Funderlik was fired into space by the Soviet Union. They did it using a big catapult. Brezniev is reported to have said " I hope that he never comes back ". The Russian Army and politbureau members and the newsagency was on hand to witness the event. But, on that occasion, the catapult was not strong enough, and Funderlick landed in a nearby haystack. FBI agents found him and smuggled him to Chicago on a tramp steamer. One of the FBI agents, rather spookily, went under the somewhat odd code name of: Unknown Visitor !!!. J. Edgar Hoover told Funderlik that the tramps were delicious, but Funderlik later said that he couldn't concentrate because he spent the whole interview trying not to laugh at the name "Hoover", and of course, also the name: "Unknown Visitor".
In the eighties, Funderlik and his wife separated over a dispute about the number of two letter words allowed in a game of Scrabble. Funderlik moved to Madrid where he wrote a manual for people who can't decide what to do. It was called " Just go and bloody well do something. " And it was probably his biggest mistake. Critics lashed out at the book, calling it an unjustified and badly spelled heap of disturbing nonsense.
In the nineties Hoover and the FBI raided Funderlik's fridge. Boris Yeltsin took his collection of Phil Collins CD's. Yeltsin reportedly later remarked to an aid "This Phil Collins CD "Hits", that is a capitalist spelling mistake - the "s" is in the wrong place." Oh, they laughed and laughed. Funderlik was less fortunate. He ended up in a doss house in Barcelona, in what is today known as "Spain". These days, he spends his time dribbling, shouting, eating cake and occasionally tapping the remaining thoughts into his keyboard. Cliff Richard calls round some times, but Funderlik just tells him to
|Doctor Funderlik Blows His Own Trumpet!|
Dr Funderlik writes a column every week for the h2g2 Post. He also heroically maintains a personal journal, while simultaneously being an ace, a scout and a community artist. Here is what others have had to say about him:
"Amazingly funny"Bob the Farmer
"Naturally I'm a bit dissappointed about the dingo story having to be deferred again, but sacrifices have to be made"Cleo
OK, so there is a story behind this one, but it is long, bizzare and confusing as Henry Kelly on Classic FM, so I'll spare you the details..
"You are a Fluffernutter sandwich!"abbi normal
The first rule of Fluffernutter sandwich is don't mention ... etc..
"*giggles* I only found this thread by a convoluted route and low, I find Dr Deckchair"Da Silva
I like the 'convoluted route bit..
"Your personal space has made me day. I laughed muchly"Abi
Well, a personal endorsment from an italic, no less. I wont be needing my bus pass then ... (he says knowingly)
"I survived, but feel very strange"2Legs
I know the feeling.
"Your intro is brilliant! I will have to start reading the Post to see your "grunts"."JEllen42
Yes, and I recommend you all take JEllen's advice. Cheers once again!
"just like to say your introduction is great"Cujo731
"*Wonders if he is a truly talented trumpet player too*"Hathernofer
Sadly not. I can claim to be a falsely talented one though.
"Dr D you have the sanity of a rubber spoon"Pimms
Yes, my psychiatrist is of the same professional opinion. We are now working on finding the exact spoon.
"You know, Deckchair, you should really write a book"JEllen42 (again)
I absolutely agree. Any offers?
"I'm a regular reader so who's the other one?"Amy the Ant
Fellow community artist Amy's kind response to my conjecture that I only have two readers.
"You portray your cast of characters so vividly that me could almost think they were real and not some work of fiction brought about by eating to much cheese"Greebo
Yes, Greebo and Shazz and now MaW - the hard working Post people who provide me with such a fine platform for my dribbling nonesense.
"Damn good, as usual, had my office in stitches... (Apart from the devout Christian, who we didnt show it too)"Bob the Farmer (again)
A whole office! minus one devout Christian. I did ask Bob to show them. It was about Jesus eating his way out of a chocolate egg.
"Good stuff - I enjoyed this a lot "Sprout
"That's it! I'm man enough to admit I have no business pretending to be Post Film Bod when a talent of this magnitude is in our midst."Awix
I wrote something about films. Can't for the life of me remember what... Anyway Awix really is the Post film bod and his reviews are always well worth a read.
"Splendid stuff, as always - keep it coming!"Danny B
Another big shout - cheers!
"Thank you to the highly steamed and pressed Dr Funderlik whose grunts in the Post are recommended to all readers"Recumbentman
Thanks to fellow Wittgensteinian scholar and all round musical genius Recumbentman
"X Or possibly Y, I can never remember"Munchkin
Yes, there is another long story behind this one too...
"As a new (22/05 issue) reader of the Post, I was of course delighted to find a columnist of such wit, intelligence and all round bonhomie as Dr Funderlik. "rooftiler
And I would like to add that I am equally delighted to find a reader with such obvious taste, refinement and good sense as rooftiler. Cheers once again!
Now, I must explain here that I put this in solely for comic effect. It might look like Gosho is being a bit heavy, but actually, he had a really good point in the actual context from which I have shamelessly removed this quote. And he is also a very congenial and reasonable character - and well worth a read too.
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Dr and Mrs Funderlik decide to come back
Jan 7, 2004
Well, that was a long holday... arf arf. But there's loads more stuff outside than we thought. Not just cheese and dogs, but medicines, pillows and cuddly toys and lots of other things. It took ages just to eat it all.
We'll we're back inside now, and we won't be going outside again. In fact, Dr. Funderlik has metamorphosised. And that's not something he does every day. What he's done is gone and made his own personal web log site ( a 'blog' - horrible word). So, if you wander in this general direction:
.. you'll find the same variety of freewheelin' antidisestablishment nonesense that he used to do here.
But, now, see, its mine ... all mine... and the bbc can go and sit on a barrage balloon.
If you are mad enough to actually go and see, you'll find out more about the real me - the real deckchair behind the funderlik so to speak. It is not possible yet to comment on the site, but you can email me from it, and I update pretty regularly. Hope to see you around there. And if you enjoy the experience, or if you even survive it, please pass it on.
And... before anyone asks - no, I won't be back around here very much. I got addicted last time, and my work suffered. So - I have had to quit. Apologies, but it was too much fun.
Dr and Mrs Funderlik decide to run away.
Jul 16, 2003
As part of a convoluted tax dodge, myself and Mrs Funderlik have decided to try our luck by running away. Officially, this is called a 'Holiday'. We saw this interesting and strange looking place on television, and realised that we could probably go there quite reasonably and cheaply. The place is called "outside", and apparently theres all sorts of stuff to see there - the sun, trees, dogs, apples and stuff like that. So we're going there for a month.
Dr Funderlik believes and Mrs Funderlik agrees, that after about five minutes and thirty two seconds of being "outside", Dr Funderlik will start shouting "Where's my computer?" and whimpering like a baby. So it is very possible that we might get back on-line over the next four weeks or so. But if Dr. Funderlik can be distracted with rattles, soothers and large balloons, then the silence may be somewhat more prolonged.
We step out of the thing called a "door" on Friday. After that - who knows? Hopefully be back soon, and if not, please don't buy any emergency batteries or extra frozen chicken, for we shall return near the end of August.
The Invention of Television.
Jul 13, 2003
Have ye got a minute?
Come here, I wanna show you something.
... Ok, I'm here.
Oh, indeed, so you are. Now. Look at that.
Aye. That's me new invention.
What is it? Is it a porridge making device of some kind?
Sadly not, Dougal, sadly not.
Well, John, that's where I must take my leave of ye then. You know my motto: If it doesnee concern porridge, then I'm no interested. I liked that thing you invented last week, that pipe for transferring porridge from the bathroom to the kitchen. I reckon that has potential, that one. But this box here, well, I cannae see the point of it, to be honest. Unless.....
...is it full of porridge?
No. I'll tell ye what it does. You see this switch here? I'm going to make it so that when you turn that switch, this front part of the box, it gets all full of colours and lights...
Aye, John, well, its getting late..
No, wait Dougal, there's sound too - and the pictures move and you see, this is the great bit, people - I am positive of this, absolutely positive - people will want, more than anything, to sit in front of this box and watch stuff move, er, inside it.
You've been working very hard of late, is that not so, John? You think anyone's going to be stupid enough to sit in front of that wee box and watch stuff moving inside it? Why would they want to do that, eh? I mean, there's stuff moving everywhere. I donna want to dissapoint ye John, but, if you look very carefully, there's even stuff moving ... just outside that wee box there.
But its educational too, Dougal. It can teach you things.
Ay, John, we've got books for that...
Ay, I know, stuff doesn't move inside books. I'm afraid I really must go. I mean, think about it, John, there's a huge big world out there. If ye think that millions and millions of people are going to sit for hours on end, staring at stuff moving inside this wee little box, then you must think that human nature is a bizzare and, dare I say it, perverse thing. I'll take me leave of ye now John. Do drop by next week, and tell me about the developments ye make on the device for transporting porridge. Good day to ye now.
Good day, Dougle...
...maybe if I made the box a wee bit bigger..
The Rubik of Victor Kiam
Jul 3, 2003
The Rubik of Victor Kiam.
"A bottle of wine, and I and thou, singing in the wilderness...
and its my wilderness, so there."
"My name is Victor Kiam.
My mission: a world without beards."
Copyright Victor Kiam.
I liked this Rubik so much, I bought it, and then I added that bit about beards.
You know, how I used to say, 'I liked the razor so much, I bought the company' ?
Well, that was b*******ks. I mean, if I did that with everything I liked, I'd own McDonalds, Panasonic, Playboy and Acapulco by now. But I think I'll buy this Dr Funderlik chap, and have him shaved. He's a hairy menace, that's what he is, and he should be removed from society.
This week's grunt.
Jul 3, 2003
This weeks grunt, from Dr. Funderlik:
THE ARTICLE OF FUGUE
"Its weird and stupid but edjermicational too" (Kofi Anann)
"It is well documented that Johann Sebastian Bach really really liked music. He could often be spotted, wandering around his garden in Leipzig, pruning his roses, and going 'tum - tiddly - tum - tiddly - um - pom pom'. Local villagers, walking past, would tip their hats to him, and ask, in perfect German, ' So, how are we today Mr B?'. On hearing this, Bach was known to look up from his greenfly, touch his nose, wink and reply 'I am very musical, thank you very much.'...
Read this weeks h2g2 Post to find out more
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