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This is the Conversation Forum for Alternative Writing Workshop << A87757618 - No-plant, Dig-only: Aspiring Little Greens People A87753856 - NO-PLANT, DIG ONLY VEGETABLE PATCH >> Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 6, 2012 by GregPius   Posting 1 Entry: One moment of madness - A87757429 Author: GregPius - U13648184 This is a teaser for a longer story. Not sure if this is the right way to do it but this is how it came to me. Read the First Reply to this Posting Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 6, 2012 by Dmitri Gheorgheni This is a reply to this Posting   Posting 2 You keep changing tenses between past and present. I can think of a good argument for either one - actually, I'd suggest you change it all to present tense. The reason is: you're not writing a story, after all. What you're writing is what the movie people call 'a treatment'. Since a 'treatment' is merely the outline of a possible story or film script, it can easily be in the present tensem which will lend immediacy to the narrative. I wonder if you've ever read Anthony Burgess' novel 'The Clockwork Testament'? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Clockwork_Testament,_or_Enderby's_End In it, Burgess describes writing a movie 'treatment' based on Gerard Manley Hopkins' 'The Wreck of the Deutschland'. Which gives me a wicked idea for later... Read the First Reply to this Posting Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 6, 2012 by aka Bel This is a reply to this Posting   Posting 3 I meant to post this morning but the server was too busy. Your piece made me wonder what it is: paranoia, a conspiracy? After all, just how would anybody have know the name and address of the witness? Have there been reports in the newspapers, interviews on TV? Read the First Reply to this Posting Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 6, 2012 by minorvogonpoet This is a reply to this Posting   Posting 4 The end sent a chill up my spine. But as Bel pointed out, that suggests quite a conspiracy. If the terorists have found out where our hero lives, did they have friends in the French police, or MI5, or some global corporation that opposes the French president's policies? I also agree with Dmitri about tenses. Make it all present tense, and get rid of all those 'had's Read the First Reply to this Posting Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 14, 2012 by GregPius This is a reply to this Posting   Posting 5 Sorry been travelling. I am now in Japan. Here there seems to be so much public trust. The people expect everyone to do the right thing all the time. They frown on any misbehaviour. So different from Sydney. Your comments are excellent. I will adjust the treatment as you suggest. My fast stories come as flashes to my brain. I am like Nostradamus, I have no idea of present or future; just what appears to my mind's eye. That is why I need criticism. It is like an eye witness giving their version on radio, all jumbled until the radio reporter asks the right questions. So thanks again for taking the time to pull me up. As for the details of how the terrorist knew where our "hero" lived, I assumed that the police sold the information. In Sydney, there is so much police corruption that Sydneysiders take such things for granted. And with the hacking controversy in London at the moment, other possibilities exist. Maybe a journalist hacked into the email of someone the French police listed as an eye witness. That would be a topical solution. But would it be believable? A journalist so focussed on getting the story that he (or she) hacks into his email to get his address, and then goes an interviews a representative of the terrorist organisation network in London. With a desire to get the story, the journalist swaps the eyewitness's address for the inside details. Is that too trite? See in Sydney we would just shrug and say "Some police officer told them." Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 14, 2012 by GregPius This is a reply to this Posting   Posting 6 That would depend on the reader. In Australia, the readers would assume some corrupt French police officer sold the information This may not work in other countries. I am currently in Japan and it would not go over well in this country. Maybe some internet hacking is the way to go for universal acceptance. Subject: A87757429 - One moment of madness Posted May 14, 2012 by GregPius This is a reply to this Posting   Posting 7 Thanks for the feedback, I will do as you suggest. I am in Japan at the moment (staying in Osaka)! I will be in Paris on Wednesday, then staying in London the following week. That will give me a chance to add some realism and background to the treatment. I can also assess the French attitude to their police and the likelihood of the police corruption option being accepted. In London, I will look for some background and local knowledge. Thanks again. Guide Entry List Guide Entry List

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