 | | | Subject: A65462204 - a desired possession
Posted Mar 24, 2010 by  Dmitri Gheorgheni
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  | | Ah, another person who likes bicycles...(my problems with bicycles are legendary, I fall off, and when my father gave me one, I was NOT happy).
You've made us feel the excitement - which is really cool, as English is not your first language.
A few suggestions:
- 'everyone enjoyS it' - you need an S.
- 'Weren't my pleas heard?' - not queries (information), not listened.
- 'On an unexpected day' - I like unexpected, but it's 'on' a day.
- 'feel' rather than 'intuit'. Or 'sense'.
- Tears don't 'sprout'. Vegetables do. Say 'tears sprang from my eyes', 'tears flowed', 'tears welled up'.
- The rhyme 'extreme' and 'supreme' doesn't really work for me, but maybe one of our poets has a suggestion. I would just not rhyme there at all.
Welcome, and keep writing poems! 
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| | | Subject: A65462204 - a desired possession
Posted Mar 29, 2010 by minorvogonpoet
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| | Hi Aleli. Welcome to the AWW 
I agree that this poem gives a great impression of childhood excitement.
I'm not sure about the rhymes. The poem starts out with rhyming couplets, then abandons them, before ending with one. I think I would dispense with the rhymes altogether. (English doesn't rhyme well and many modern poets prefer to do without rhymes.)
I do remember getting my first bicycle when I was nine, then riding it straight into someone's rose bush!
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