 | | | Subject: A53377734 - an unhealthy habit?
Posted Jun 18, 2009 by  Dmitri Gheorgheni
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  | | Quite right, too. 
I've just read this three times. The description is really vivid.
But I must be stupid - I can't figure out what is happening.
Why is this woman feeling visceral pain? At first I thought you were doing the Stretcher, and describing labour pains. (We're supposed to be representing the opposite gender this time.)
Why is she leaving out the window? Who is screaming?
I'm not suggesting you should tell us that in the story - but if you told us here, maybe we'd know where to begin to help with the writing part of it.
Or maybe someone more perspicacious than I will get it, and explain it to me.
>>Wanting to be so close to it that it's unrelenting absoluteness will overwhelm her, it moves further away.<<
I think she's wanting to be close, right? So the shift to 'it' after the comma is confusing. Maybe 'She wants to be so close to it that its unrelenting absoluteness will overwhelm her. But it moves further away.'?
Hope some of this is helpful, and not just criticism.
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| | | Subject: A53377734 - an unhealthy habit?
Posted Jun 19, 2009 by Br Robyn Hoode - Navo - complete with theme tune
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| | Wow, thank you! I was thinking people wouldn't bother reading, even!
The comments about the 'it' are taken on board. It should be 'But...' I'll edit it shortly!
And, um, i'm not entirely sure what it's about. I think she's a serial murderer in quite extreme mental anguish.
I have this image of a young woman who has problems and wants to die but doesn't have the courage, so she tracks down other people (perhaps through the internet...) who are in similar situations and profess a wish to die and does it for them, like she wishes someone would for her. And every time she does, she lives through her own pain again, through them. And like a shoplifter, she gets the rush that follows of 'escaping' thus becoming a vicious cycle of extreme self-harm (adding to her own pain by taking lives even though she justifies it by her being a sort of angel of death, ending their suffering for them).
The screams come from returning parents discovering the victim, or the note.
I wanted to see if I could do a short story that lets you think, a snapshot that doesn't explain too much. Obviously it was a touch *too* unexplained! 
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| | | Subject: A53377734 - an unhealthy habit?
Posted Jun 19, 2009 by Dmitri Gheorgheni
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| | Neat idea. And yes, that was a little bit too much left to the imagination.
And that's coming from me - according to everybody around here, the chief offender in that direction.
I think you'd need to work in two things: a body somewhere, doesn't have to be graphic, just clear that it's not moving. And an explanation for why, having caused this body to be there, this young woman is now convulsed in agony...
I think that and a hint of what was in the note would just about do it.
Maybe somebody else has a idea or two.
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