 | | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 8, 2008 by minorvogonpoet
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  | | I agree with Dmitri that this is an argument well-worth airing on the web. 
The question is whether the argument is better expressed in poetry or prose. If you wanted to make a reasoned case, you would be better off using prose, because you can state the arguments for and against helping a child in this way, and say more about the organisations that make this kind of plea. If you want to keep it personal, focusing on your thoughts as you sit alone by your computer, there's no reason why you shouldn't use poetry.
However, if you choose to use poetry I would suggest that you use non-rhyming poetry. The problem with using rhyming poetry for this sort of subject is that the readers get so carried along with the rhyme and rhythm that they don't take the argument seriously. My own view, for what it's worth, is that when writing poetry, it's more important to look for striking words and verbal images than to look for rhymes.
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| | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 8, 2008 by rotundity
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| | I wouldn't mind doing a prose extract - in fact, that was where I started, then I wrote the poem from ideas that cropped up there.
Not sure I'd want to write non-rhyming poetry, though. That always feels like a let down to me - like writing an "I woke up and it was all a dream" ending.
I'll admit there are a couple of rocky patches in my rhyming (you won't believe how gutted I was when I found out how Buenoes Aires was really pronounced) but I'm not sure I want to let the whole style go. I think it reflects the slightly deranged feel of the poem well. It may be an archaic style (I took inspiration from Robert Browning, in case you couldn't tell) but I'm very attached to it.
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| | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 9, 2008 by  Dmitri Gheorgheni
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| | I think the rhyme could work, but it needs a much subtler touch.
As it is, the poem doesn't convey the idea so much as it veers off into cuteness, which I am sure is not intended.
To pull something like this off in rhyme requires tight control of register.
The first stanza is overblown, and the second stanza has that jingly, ad-agency quality, with the bad rhyme Facebook...take a look.
If you're going to be hard on the people who put up that website, you need to be much harder on yourself as a writer.
The poem gets better as it goes along - although Buenos Aires has *got* to go - but it needs a much stronger setup.
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| | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 9, 2008 by minorvogonpoet
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| | I've nothing against rhyming poetry - I write it myself but, because of that, I know it's hard to get right. Rhyme and rhythm need to flow together without being too obtrusive.
You seem to be using a rhythm which follows two light stresses with a heavy one, and this does tend to sound jingly. (I tried it in my poem Superman Samson Shorn' and it didn't really work.) You need to prepared to read your poem aloud several times and spot the places which jar, eg 'website' and change them. It also limits the jingly quality if you can carry on the sense of the sentence beyond the line end rhyme.
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| | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 9, 2008 by LL Waz
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| | I hope so, because the idea is, as Dmitri said, very good. And there's some strong, thought provoking, stuff in this.
In this version it does feel in places that the subject matter is serving the form, though. As Dmitri and MVP have also said.
Sorry to do no more than repeat what's already been said but I really wanted to post to say there's real potential in it.
Thank you for the read,
Waz
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| | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 24, 2008 by LL Waz
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| | Agreed, but it's the last four verses that are really strong and I worry that some readers might not get that far through the four verses before. Those first four verses have their own merits but are not as focused... I'd cut that fourth verse I think - it doesn't add a new idea. The ideas and hard honesty in the last half deserves the best frame they can have, even at some sacrifice - well that's my  .
I'd also look at 'hungry young wraith' because as a phrase its sound is too soft for its subject. Having just watched a newsclip from Zimbabwe I want to hiss and spit that there are child wraiths in today's world.
Got to run or I'll be late for work. You've got some really good stuff here, worth working on.
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| | | Subject: A41899053 - Feed a Child with just a Click!
Posted Oct 29, 2008 by LL Waz
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| | I asked someone else to read this, for a fresh view. Their verdict, having read to the end was it’s good (they wouldn’t say that lightly).
However, and here’s the but, they wouldn’t have read past the first verse if they hadn’t been reading at my request. It confirms my feeling that those first verses are not reader-grabbing enough to get readers who are not motivated by reviewing. And I reckon, sorry I know I’m repeating myself, that the last verses deserve lots of readers.
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