 | | | Subject: A38417420 - Serilium : End Of Days
Posted Jul 16, 2008 by minorvogonpoet
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  | | Hi and welcome to the AWW.
The first section of this looks like a promising start to a story.  I might quibble about some of the phrases - e.g 'slowly she shot.' I don't think you can shoot slowly!
However, the last paragraph introduces us a complicated back story. You would, I think, need your protagonists to find out gradually about Serilium and what it has done. I am interested to find out what happens next - eg is Lucy really a zombie?
Think a bit more about your characters, too. They seem rather bland at the moment.
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| | | Subject: A38417420 - Serilium : End Of Days
Posted Jul 17, 2008 by Keith Miller yes that Keith Miller
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| | One more thing to remember is to try and *show* where ever possible, rather than *tell* as this engages the reader in the story much, much more than a whole series of events where you just reel off what your protagonist is doing.
***She sat down, this wasn't the first time (nor the last) that she had felt like this, but she sat down all the same. Her head was spinning, she could barely focus on the shapes in front of her. Her senses were being bombarded by a plethora of colours and sounds, too much to cope with, it was becoming too intense. The noise was deafening, the colours where blinding, she collapsed and slowly lost conciousness.
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Her head spinning, barely focusing on the shapes in front of her, senses bombarded by a plethora of colours and sounds; blinding, roaring, deafening in it's intensity. She crumpled into a heap as consciousness fled and...
That's just one way to rid the intro of unnessercary words.
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