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 | | | Subject: A846821 - Being
Posted Feb 9, 2003 by LL Waz
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  | | That's a neat twist at the end! But the poem should stand on its own shouldn't it. Giving clues feels like cheating! Shouldn't you either you take the risk of readers not getting it or work it into the text? Or the title.
 I don't know if you want comments in detail or not. I've only recently strated looking at AWW and I'm trying to do the workshop thing. So I'll assume you do and expect that you won't read any further if you don't.
So here goes for a couple of extremely unqualified opinions:
-After the first few the lines don't add to the initial point so they sort of get in the way.
-I kept thinking when reading it that you weren't dealing with positive 'beings'. Personally speaking poetry works better for me when it keeps to rules of reason/argument (and grammar though that doesn't apply here).
It's an interesting idea in there, with the twist, and there's scope to extend this. If you wanted too. If it works for you it works and that's an end of it.
Waz
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| | | Subject: A846821 - Being
Posted Feb 9, 2003 by Spiff
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| | still, poetry remains one of those areas where (perhaps) there can be no discussion...
... either it's what you want to say or it isn't!
There is also some very fine stuff from Hyppia (presumably not the Liverpool captain and defender, though who knows!) that could be argued with and discussed, but i for one felt it difficult to know how to engage with poetry in the 'directly critical' context.
I mean, if you've got as far as writing a poem, you probly don't want someone or other giving you a better rhyme!
spiff
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| | | Subject: A846821 - Being
Posted Feb 9, 2003 by LL Waz
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| | "still, poetry remains one of those areas where (perhaps) there can be no discussion...
... either it's what you want to say or it isn't!"
Absolutely. But wouldn't you want to know if your readers had heard what you wanted to say? This is what is so difficult about AWW. Although it's called a workshop you can't tell whether authors want workshop type comment or an audience.
If it was me I'd want to know, having submitted a poem to a review forum, what worked and what didn't for different people.
I've just seen a post by Ben elsewhere where she simply asks the author what they want. That's a good way of dealing with this and that's what I'll do in future.
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| | | Subject: A846821 - Being
Posted Feb 12, 2003 by  a girl called Ben
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| | Well in that case the author said "Help" and just posted their entry!
I kinda like this poem, and kinda don't, which may kinda be the point.
I do like the list. I like poetic lists, and this is a good one. It builds up the tension, and gives some nice word-play and strong images.
However, I agree with Waz, that it is not exactly cheerful. Now I don't expect fluffy bunnies and chocolate flowers, (and goddess knows the stuff I write is not in the least bit cheerful). Hell, I am not going to complain about that!
I like the comparisons between the different dysfunctions. Mind you - having had a broken heart, I can say that they do at least mend. Eventually.
All in all it is clever but not cute. It also does that thing that English Men do so well, the flippant and bitter non-expression of strong emotion. (I had always assumed you were a Scot Dr T - it's that first name you see).
Thanks again.
B
PS - Have you tried the Post? While I wouldn't stick my neck out far enough to actually nominate this for the UG, I would do the sheep-thing and second or third the nomination.
PPS - Sorry to be so complex in my 'fantasy picks'
B
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| | | Subject: A846821 - Being
Posted Feb 13, 2003 by LL Waz
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| | Hey, I didn't mean to imply I wanted fluffy bunnies  . It was simply that all the time I read it I was seeing the Doctor's negatives but thinking 'being is living'- the most essential not not doing of all. This was probably intentional, the contradictions run all through the poem and don't just come in with the last line. In fact it's right there in the title. Being means you b***** well can. In which case not only did the poem cover the positive but it was too clever for me and I needed the Doctor's clue afterall. So I really shouldn't have complained about it! (I still think giving clues is cheating though . )
I don't know what makes a poem a good one but this one has stuck in my mind, following the associations - living but not living and such like.
It's grown on me - I'd vote it into the Underguide.
Waz
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