| | |  | This is the Journal of MMF - Keeper of Mustelids, with added P.M.A. "Cry God for Harry, England and St. George"
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| | | Subject: Depression and MMF's missing part.
Posted Feb 1, 2012 by MMF - Keeper of Mustelids, with added P.M.A. "Cry God for Harry, England and St. George"
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1
 | |  The black  is out of his  again.
It happens.  . And normally I can hide it, or pretend it's not happening. Or work it out of my system.
But this time it has hit hard and deep.
This is the timeline, and my question will follow.
As those who know me are only too aware, I'm not the   during the festive season, and this was worse, as I had 5 days off. Not good.
New Year's Eve was enjoyable, especially as a special friend came along, and stayed overnight (separate rooms), more on that later.
The first three weeks of January were good, then all the wheels, doors and everything else fell off.
1)  Received notification of my visit to the  in April. Expected an overnighter, but it is Lunchtime Wednesday to Friday Morning. 
2)  The right ankle blows up like a balloon, so no overtime that weekend, and is still swollen and inflamed. Luckily not painful, just tight-skinned.
3)  The Band officially packed up last Saturday, after almost 25 years, barring two gigs in October.
4)  My Bank account was phi shed last weekend, and so it's blocked. Luckily I have a reasonable amount of  stashed away for a rainy day.
5) Valentine's Day approaches. 
And the latter is the straw that has done the damage.
I met a group of People a year last August, pursuing decorated elephants around London. It is explained in the Gerald's the Pornographic Elephant and his 'Groupies' entry - A84729603.
One of them I get on with exceedingly well with, and in the last couple of Months have enjoyed visiting places together.
Then last week she announced she'd met a Guy via an internet dating site, and it was  fast. And I'm exceedingly  for her, and proud that she felt comfortable with sharing that with me first.
Only then did it hit me that I'd developed feelings towards her which I hand't noticed, hence the going out, including buying tickets to a show next week.
Now my stomach is all twisted and painful, I'm off food and feel part of me has  . I feel part of me has been ripped out, viciously, and thrown away.
She is my best friend, here in London, and we get on well, and have done since we first met. However, after being a Singleton for over 20 years, I'm now in turmoil and don't know what to do. I feel like a  teenager. 
Do I hide it, and allow the Friendship to continue as normal, suppressing the surfacing feelings?
Or do I tell her and risk shattering the Friendship?
Whatever happens, I'm standing by her, in case the relationship goes horribly wrong, which I seriously hope, for her, doesn't. That is irrespective of how it affects me, but it's turning me inside out. And I can't handle it.
Then there's the black . As I'm now working Monday to Friday, my usual tricks aren't working, as my two hour journey to work let's my mind probe where it's best to avoid.
 this for a game of Soldiers.
I don't like it and I don't want it. Where'd it come from? The feelings and the depression?
Any suggestions? Help? Advice? I don't have anyone else to ask, and need to unburden somewhere. Kew Gardens is going to get some heavy attention this weekend!!!
A very MMF
*I can't even get my head around my simple 'Create' entry! *
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| | | Subject: Depression and MMF's missing part.
Posted Feb 2, 2012 by aka Bel
This is a reply to this Posting
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8
 | | I'm sorry. 
Listening to audio books while commuting is a very good idea. I do it while I work (cleaning, as you know). To be able to actually register what's going on around you (while changing  , for example), leave one ear free.
As for your friendship: I really have no advice, unfortunately. I'd probably not say anything and try to go on as normal. If that's too painful (which I guess it is), you may want to slowly reduce contact in the long run (although this may happen naturally anyway if she will stick to her new acquaintance).
 
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| | | Subject: Depression and MMF's missing part.
Posted Feb 2, 2012 by Websailor
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10
| | MMF, did the Black come first or the revelation about your feelings? If the Black was looming your feelings might be less rational as little upsets get all out of proportion.
Everything that happens feels worse than it is when you feel like that. Just take one day at a time and I would definitely try and use the travelling time to good purpose. I used to sleep on the bus and always woke just before my stop, but I suppose it is a bit risky to sleep these days
!
Definitely stay with the friendship and don't tell, however difficult that is. Things may go back to normal if the Internet romance fails and you will have lost nothing.
I do wish I could say something to bring you comfort but I can only say that the Black needs its usual good kicking and it will eventually fade away.
Hang in there.
and you are welcome to email me if you want to chat.
Websailor
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| | | Subject: Depression and MMF's missing part.
Posted Feb 2, 2012 by aka Bel
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13
| | >>I think the real question is: would you tell her if she hadn't met someone? Then act on that, ignoring the bit where she met someone...<<
Well, I see a potential problem in case MMF had meant to tell her: why would she have joined a dating site in the first place if her feelings towards MMF were the same as his towards her?
MMF, I think you're much safer off not saying anything, really.
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| | | Subject: Depression and MMF's missing part.
Posted Feb 2, 2012 by MMF - Keeper of Mustelids, with added P.M.A. "Cry God for Harry, England and St. George"
This is a reply to this Posting
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15
| | >>would you tell her if she hadn't met someone? Then act on that, ignoring the bit where she met someone<<
Having crashed and burned previously, in my last relationship, I wouldn't, and hadn't said anything.
My plan, rightly or wrongly, was to start going out on an irregular, but often, bias, and see how it progressed. The dating thing only occurred due to a 4 day free session on a site she'd signed up for years ago and, as she'd had a lousy Christmas, thought she'd try it but was going to cancel as soon as it became chargeable. And he snuck in, just before the deadline.
So now you know all, and I said I'd tell no-one, so I've breached that already, but what DO I do???
Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Hopefully that also explains it for you as well, Bel.
And yes, 4 Art Galleries, Kew Gardens and a Musical had been pre-booked before she announced her plans.
Toughy.
MMF
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| | | Subject: Depression and MMF's missing part.
Posted Feb 2, 2012 by MMF - Keeper of Mustelids, with added P.M.A. "Cry God for Harry, England and St. George"
This is a reply to this Posting
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20
| | Prof, you are welcome to visit Middlesex any time. I'll even give you a guided tour, and buy your train ticket!!! One way of course! 
Bel, it is almost that cold to do up my coat.
But seriously, I feel shivery and cold, to the extent I have trouble sleeping.
I'd swear f a) I was the swearing type and b) I thought it would help.
I'm 52, NOT a hormonal teenager. And no, it isn't even sexual, Prof. In fact there iappearsto be a mental block on that aspect. Just familiarity and closeness. Like an old pair of slippers. I miss her, after being around her.
Am I  , or even something worse? Or has the dormant beast been awoken?
Pleae, don't let it be  ! I couldn't live with that!!!
MMF
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