|You Have Disruptive Family Members.|
YOU HAVE DISRUPTIVE FAMILY MEMBERS.
I am quite sure that every family has a member or two who invariably disrupt an event, special occasion, or innocent attempt at having a "good time". If you cannot recollect any incidents involving disruptive family members, there are several possible explanations. I will highlight 4 of them here:
1. YOU ARE GENERALLY FORGETFUL.
Here is a simple questionnaire to test the first hypothesis. If you answer at least 3 out of 5 questions "Yes", then you can safely be labeled as "forgetful".
Question 1: Do you often misplace your house or car keys? You may remember uttering, "Where the hell are my keys?".
Question 2: Do you know where your keys are but misplace your house or car? This event may have taken place at a shopping mall, concert event, or stroll around the block.
Question 3: Have you spent more time apologizing for forgetting anniversaries than you have buying anniversary greeting cards?
Question 4: Have you voted for mandatory name tags in all public areas just to save the embarassment of calling your neighbor of 12 years, "Whatshisname"?
Question 5: Have you labeled your interior car parts in bright orange: BRAKE, ACCELERATOR, CLUTCH, SHIFTER, and STEERING WHEEL ?
2. YOU ARE A HERMIT.
You have not left the confines of your home for greater than 10 years, the length of time set forth by the IHA (International Hermit Association), which of course has never actually convened. In this case you do not give family members the opportunity to disrupt any aspect of your life. One exception to this rule is that you are a hermit but a relative is a local delivery person who has never disrupted you let alone mix up your order of pizza and chicken wings.
3. YOU DO NOT HAVE FAMILY.
You have made the cover of Science Digest more than once because you were conceived without the luxury of sperm and egg. You may or may not have disruptive friends or acquaintances. This is the subject of an entirely different Guide entry.
4. YOU ARE THE DISRUPTIVE FAMILY MEMBER.
You cannot recollect any disruptive family members but are quickly named by others in your family as "The Ruiner", "Peace Squasher", or "That SOB I'm Never Inviting To My House Again".
How To Handle Disruptive Family Members
I hope this exercise helped you come to grips with the fact that you are not alone in the struggle with disruptive family members. Unfortunately the immense undertaking of ridding yourself of disruptive family members is beyond the scope of this entry.
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