The Epic Tale of GodBen
"12: I turned round to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands,
13: and among the lampstands was someone like a son of man1, dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash round his chest."
Revelations; Chapter 1; Verses 12 and 132
A Brief History of GodBen
GodBen was born on the 29th of April 1958. Unfortunately, he died four days later in a strange accident involving a falling bowl of petunias. This did not stop a cult being formed about him that believed that he was the true ruler of the universe. For decades this cult was lost and afraid because their leader was gone, so they decided to use occult forces to reincarnate him.
On the 10th of February 1986 they managed to harness their power, and reincarnated GodBen!! Unfortunately the cult was killed off four seconds later due to a freak accident involving a falling Sperm Whale.
But the cult was successful, and the true ruler of the universe was reincarnated in Ireland as a child called Ben. Ben was a bit of a strange child, what with him being the true ruler of the universe and all.
By the age of two he had already forced new supermarket regulations in Ireland. He accidentally drank a bottle of weed-killer, thinking that it was cola, that was placed on the bottom shelf. From then on, supermarkets were forced to place weed-killer on the top shelf.3
By the age of fourteen it was obvious to Ben that he was something more than a regular human. Five years later and he's still trying to convince other people of this.
Fish's Freak set up a fan club to GodBen against GodBen's wishes. If you wish to annoy GB by posting there, then you can do so here.
GodBen and love
Even gods as mean-spirited and downright evil as GodBen fall in love sometimes. It's something that just can't be helped. The object of Ben's affections is one of the greatest people on the planet, Fish's Freak, or Beck as she's sometimes known. They met here on hootoo in late 2003 and slowly grew closer to one another until the two developed really serious crushes on one another without the other one knowing. They finally admitted this fact to each other and they then went on to spend months in one of those will they-won't they situations that US sitcoms love so much, before finally meeting and realising that they are both madly in love with each other. While it is difficult for both of them as Beck lives in England, and Ben lives in Ireland, it's still worth it as they love each other and they live in hope that one day they will be together.
And that day will be rather nice.
GodBen is a member of . . .
Come and join the MASTERS OF THE MULTI-VERSE and fight the good (could be bad, we're not sure yet) fight!
GodBen opened the new MotMV page and is now the society's new page editor.
GodBen runs The New New MotMV Tearoom. Why not drop in for a visit?
GodBen founded this society as a way of defending h2g2 from outside invasion. Join up today, and do your part for hootoo!
GodBen is the god of doors, ducks, eunuchs and car-dealerships. Four totally useless things to have control over that he now regrets becoming the god of.
|The H2G2 Assassin's guild|
nil mortifi sine lucure
Yes he's an assassin. He was accepted because he came up with the idea of an elite cycling assassin unit. He somehow made a good impression (he just did silly things) and he's now on the guild council and has been made the guilds Rice Guildmaster.
He is a member of the elite Assassin strike force, The Sundry Squadron.
Another bunch of wierdos with a good heart (despite the fact that they're evil). Welcome to the Shadow Realm.
GodBen can usually be found in the forest where he had a house with the following things:
Sitting room, Kitchen, Tearoom
Bedroom, Bathroom, Deadly-knife room, Garage, Shrine to Yoko Ono, Zoo, Japanese government buildings, New Scotland Yard, Set of the 'Truman Show', Room of crashed Mars landers (Now with Beagle II), Polo (the game, not the mint) room, The Oval office, Bill Gates vault, World HQ of the campaign to legalise pot, Box-room
This house was recently rebuilt after being destroyed in an explosion.
GodBen is the door-technician onboard the Red Dwarf. You can find him at his cabin.
Yes, who would have guessed that he likes Monty Python. He is now the official Pythonist party thrower (not officially).
Being a Star Trek fan, GodBen jumped at the opportunity to join this society. But unfortunatly the society found him hiding on the ceiling and dragged him off to join anyway.
GodBen is a huge Terry Pratchett fan, so he joined the club.
In his quest to become a fan of surreal comedy, Ben took it too far and began to read Robert Rankin. He and other weirdos hang out here.
GodBen joined this society since he knew some of the Foruneswells and was bored.
GodBen signed up for this one day as he had nothing better to do.
GodBen became a member of this some months back and has since then been fighting to get them to endorse his petition for all cities to be covered in a dome.
Does exactly what it says on the tin.
GB designed the badge. Oh, look at it go.
He had to be, didn't he? 4
He has post 59,000 and 77,000 on No no no!!.
MotMV Medals of Honour
These medals are appointed by the MotMV to honour its members. GodBen has earned the following (it should be noted that GB designed the badges himself):
~ The Thingite Clivorian Ostrichsolarian Calendar ~
The consequences of somebody drinking weed-killer at an early age can be quite strange. In Ben's case, this has caused a number of psychological issues.
He has multiple personality disorder. Ben was originally composed of three separate personalities; Ben, Joe and Dole. Ben is the weird one, and the core personality. He usually is the one with control over the body. Joe is the intelligent one. Joe is sometimes given control of the body, but usually this was only for the purposes of exams. Dole is the lazy one. He never has control and is content with doing nothing.5
He has something like a Napoleon complex, except it's not a simple Napoleon complex. Ben has something far worse, what he likes to call a GodBen complex.
He has an insane fear of a thin Santa Claus who has a flat haircut and short beard. This problem came about one Christmas Eve when he was three. For years, whenever he walked down the stairs, he saw this image at the front door.
He is also an optimistic cynic with arachnophobia.
Etiquette with GodBen
When you meet GodBen there are some things you may wish to know to stop you from being offended.
Firstly, do not, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, do NOT take anything that GodBen says seriously. He is a joker and if you take offense at anything that he says then you can rest assured that he didn't mean it.
Secondly, you can call him GB. You can call him Ben if you must, but this does cause Ben's other personalities to be offended. His name is GodBen (one word) not God Ben (two words).
Thirdly, do not ask for godly favours. GodBen only has control over Doors, Ducks, Eunuchs, and Car dealerships. If you do want a favour to do with these items, then ask him nicely and suck up to him as much as you can.
And lastly, do NOT use any of the following smileys towards him . If you do insist on using them then you will get a level one warning (), then a level two warning (), then a level three warning (), and then GodBen will go berserk. I don't know why, but he will.
Magus to the Hermetic Order of the Golden Sprout, 12th Dan Master of Dimac, poet, adventurer, swordsman and concert pianist; big game hunter, Best dressed Man of 1933; mountaineer, lone yachtsman, Shakespearian actor and topless go-go dancer; Ben Moloney's hobbies include passive smoking, communicating with the dead and copying Robert Rankin's fake achievements.
Everybody on this site has one of these by now, so GodBen made his own.
GodBen's favourite quote
While trudging through some old posts he made, GB came across this one which had him laughing for ages. He decided to put it here so he wouldn't forget it (plus, it acts as a good insight into how he thinks).
You see, mugs are like fish. They're oily and have small bones that get caught in your throat, but without them we wouldn't have satalite TV.
That didn't make any sense!
And since people seem to like seeing their name in lights . . .
If you want to leave a message
Dont ask me why, you're the one leaving the message!
And if you really must, then you can contact me at godben AT eircom DOT net (although I'll probably just assume that it's spam and delete it).
You read the page, but do you know the man?
GB made a quiz about himself to see how much people knew about him. You can take it here.
One last question before you go
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Name: GodBen (The Magical Astronomer) - 00000011
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